Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Every once in a while something happens that makes me realize that I'm not the 17-year-old I usually picture in my head.  Many apparent milestones pass me by, but somehow this one just slammed right into me:  I'm the mother of a child who lost a tooth! P.S.  He doesn't ride in the front seat of course... he just likes to come up and push the automatic door buttons for me and I snagged this pic.

I really want to talk about my experience with Hypnobabies in part because I found the reviews I read a little confusing (but so positive that I just went ahead and bought the home-study course anyway).  What I came across was several glowing reviews where it seemed to have worked just like the mama hoped, and several glowing reviews where either the mama didn't use it or said it didn't work.  This program has hardly any actual negative reviews, and what was there didn't seem very relevant to me. I was a little confused by this--5 stars and she didn't even use it for her birth?  5 stars and she didn't think it worked? I get it now. First, I want to say that if you are using the program, I really encourage you to bring up your Bubble of Peace, or maybe skip this and come back after your birth.  My experience was really different from the one that you are working to cultivate, even though I would definitely recommend the program.  I'm a fan of hypnosis, I co...

Obviously, I'm not pregnant anymore!  In fact, we've just had our 1 month pediatric appointment for this fast-growing boy.  Ian Thomas Kitsye Watt joined us on March 14, 2017 at 3:45 pm.  He was 9 lbs 4 oz and 21 inches long. This birth completely defied our expectations, both because it was so vastly "off course" from what we thought we had planned (ha!) and because nonetheless we found it so tremendously satisfying.  Here we are a few days before this story unfolds. Yes, even the dog is looking in the right direction! Starting around 38 weeks I started having "false labor."  Only, not the braxton-hicks contractions that tighten up part of your belly and make a seasoned mom wonder for a moment.  I mean full-belly, coordinated contractions every 4-15 minutes for six or more hours, complete with sweating or shivering.  They were never uncomfortable, but they were intense, and they left me exhausted.  Every other night for a week, we geared ...

I'm 33 weeks pregnant now, and I've got half of the Hypnobabies materials behind me.  Ideally, you do the 6 weeks of course materials and then a few more weeks of maintenance, listening to all the tracks again on a specific schedule.  I'll finish the course's 6 weeks at 36.5 weeks pregnant, so chances are, I'll get a few turns through the maintenance, although in my midwife's experience, second babies *usually* come within a week of first babies, so it's reasonable to think he might be here as soon as 37.5 weeks. Obviously I'm not counting on that, but I'm also not counting on getting more time, so I'm trying to stick closely to the Hypnobabies curriculum. The best thing about Hypnobabies so far has been something I've actually seen others complain about--the time commitment.  Here's the thing.  I'm going to obsess about something during this pregnancy, whether it's something good or bad. Here are some examples of other things...

Sunday I was 31 weeks pregnant, and now that I'm having regular prenatals with my home-birth midwife, I decided it was time to face the music that this pregnancy is actually going to result in an actual birth.  My son was born at home, with the same midwife, and while I feel confident it was the right choice for me, my son's birth was many things I wasn't expecting.  It was a lot harder than I anticipated, and rather than coming out feeling like the empowered home-birth mamas I kept reading about, I just felt totally side-swiped by it. Nothing was ever WRONG in that birth, I was always safe and well taken care of, and my son's vitals never indicated that he was stressed or in any danger.  It was just hard.  And extremely painful.  And I felt out of control and like I got run over by a truck.  I didn't even feel particularly great when he was finally born, and I think my exhaustion and overwhelm really delayed our bonding, which might have contributed (a...

So, it's been a year since I last posted.  In that time, we've had some big life thrown at us.  2016 included another miscarriage, a new side business for me (I'm a part-time professional audiobook reader, if you use the "gets paid" definition of professional!  You can find my work on audible !), I made enormous changes to my diet and landed somewhere in the neighborhood of SCD and Auto Immune Paleo, we entered our second year of preschool, and... drumroll... we are pregnant again and seem to be carrying a healthy baby.  After miscarriage, this has been a roller-coaster, but every indication is that this baby is healthy and well on his way (that's right, another boy) to joining our family.  I'm currently 25 weeks, and he's due in March. Some of the biggest challenges about pregnancy after miscarriage for me have been dealing with anxiety and uncertainty, and embracing my lack of control.  I got good at this in the midst of my miscarriages, livin...

This picture pretty much speaks for itself... But I will add that these are those two-ingredient banana pancakes that are all the rage. I used two eggs, one banana, a dash of cinnamon and a tiny splash of vanilla, and whipped it all up with my stick blender.  I ate half and he ate a T-rex, a "bumpasaurus" (thanks to Grandpa John, any dinosaur that looks like a T-rex with a crested head).  Yum!  Hormonology week:  transitioning from 2 to 3 (it hasn't been clear cut since miscarriage #2... trying to get used to that) What I'm reading:  "Mastiff" by Tamara Pierce, "To Hold the Bridge and other Stories" by Garth Nix, and "Mr. Churchill's Secretary" by Susan Elia McNeal.

My little guy had his first day of preschool today. We had observed in the classroom twice together, and he was ready to be on his own today. He hardly noticed when I left, despite me making an effort to get his attention and a hug to make sure he understood I was heading out. On the phone with Grandma afterward, he proudly declared, "I went to preschool ALL BY MYSELF!" It appears the day went ok-- I assume no news is good news and his teacher and the aides didn't have anything to say. His pants were dry, and he ate his whole lunch, and other than a circle time incident that seems to involve him laying on the floor to scratch an itch (I'm not sure... he reported it himself), it seems the day came off without a hitch. I'm hoping that when we get back from our two trips in September he'll be ready to stay the whole day, which primarily hinges on being able to keep his underwear dry during nap time (about 50% of the time right now). When I got to the main ranc...

8/16/15 I had the miscarriage tonight.  I took the misotropol because as much as I wanted my body to tell me I was ready, my family was already telling me I was ready.  Tonight I had the opportunity to sequester myself away from the guys, watch movies I wanted, eat a hastily-prepared but tailor-made dinner of grilled cheese, spinach salad, and strawberries with chocolate, and let it come.  I might not have had that chance if I’d waited, and worst of all, I might have tried to squeeze it in among my other responsibilities.  It was never painful enough that I would have had to stop being a mom, a wife, a farmer, and I can think of few things that would have given me less closure than to try and smile through some other activity and not give this my full attention. I caught the tiny embryonic sac (about the size of a dime), the cord tissue, and the placenta.  This time the embryo is too small to see, although with my last miscarriage we could see tiny arm ...

8/14/15 For the briefest moment when I woke up this morning, I forgot.  I didn’t wake up thinking I was pregnant, I just forgot about this loss and what’s coming and all the way my plans have been changed.  Then it came crashing down on me so fast and hard that for a minute it was hard to breathe.  But then it settled, and I settled, and now I will go about my day and try not to let this feel like an unbearable burden.

8/13/15 Today I learned my second miscarriage is imminent.  For now, it’s a waiting game, except that (a) we have the power to stop waiting (a prescription for a drug that will bring it on in 4-8 hours) and (b) I’m trying desperately to not sit around and wait. This experience is bringing to light so many things I took for granted.  My first miscarriage showed me that just because it’s relatively easy for me to GET pregnant, doesn’t mean it’s easy to have a second child.  But even then, I operated off of the confident assumption that a healthy pregnancy was just over the horizon and only a matter of time.  Now, I realize that I have to consider the fact that my family might be done growing.  I might find myself a mother to only one person, a role I cherish and am thankful for all hours of the day, but one I never imagined for myself. We haven’t talked about it, but I assume we will start trying again right away.  I am debating whether I want to...