Dealing with Anxiety in Pregnancy after Miscarriage
So, it's been a year since I last posted. In that time, we've had some big life thrown at us. 2016 included another miscarriage, a new side business for me (I'm a part-time professional audiobook reader, if you use the "gets paid" definition of professional! You can find my work on audible!), I made enormous changes to my diet and landed somewhere in the neighborhood of SCD and Auto Immune Paleo, we entered our second year of preschool, and... drumroll... we are pregnant again and seem to be carrying a healthy baby. After miscarriage, this has been a roller-coaster, but every indication is that this baby is healthy and well on his way (that's right, another boy) to joining our family. I'm currently 25 weeks, and he's due in March.
Some of the biggest challenges about pregnancy after miscarriage for me have been dealing with anxiety and uncertainty, and embracing my lack of control. I got good at this in the midst of my miscarriages, living with the knowledge that there was nothing I could do to make the baby grow strong and healthy, all I could do was choose the kind of mother I wanted to be with the time I was given.
But I was totally unprepared to find that my anxiety went shooting UP after the first indication that all was well. I was so happy and relieved, of course, but suddenly every twinge of cramping (very common in the first trimester) could mean that my healthy baby was suddenly taking a turn for the worse. It was more to lose and a different kind of loss. Luckily, this feeling has abated as he's become more active, and he's currently indicating an interest in a future career as a tap dancer, providing me with lots of reassurance.
How did I cope with the anxiety? I had a couple of strategies--first, in my 4th pregnancy, the one that ended in loss in January, I began using moments that worried me as an opportunity to connect with my baby. If I felt a cramp or I saw some bleeding (very common in that pregnancy), I took a deep breath and sent a message of love and care to my baby. I told her that I was here and I loved her and I wanted to be the best mom I could, no matter what she was going through. This really helped turn around the experience of that pregnancy because the signs that something was wrong came early and frequently, despite a little fighter of a baby whose heart beat on 3 ultrasounds.
In this pregnancy (#5), I've found that this strategy works great when there's no real basis for my anxiety. It keeps me calm through crampy twinges or abrupt, intense round ligament pain, and even an afternoon of increased Braxton Hicks contractions (yes, I checked in with my care provider about that!).
But the two times I've had spotting, this strategy couldn't touch my feelings of anxiety. Seeing blood sent me straight into panic and terror and there was no calm internal monologue that could tamp it down. In these cases, being honest about what was happening (in both directions--not understating the significance of my feelings, but also not overstating the significance of my symptoms) helped me stay focused on what was important.
Asking all my questions when I spoke with advice nurses, even if they seemed silly or like an overreaction, really helped too. And this is where my strong connection with my OB really came into play--knowing that she would answer me honestly and compassionately was huge in soothing my out-of-control imagination ("The amount of blood you are seeing does not give me concern about a miscarriage, but yes, a miscarriage at 17 weeks would be a very different experience that your previous ones").
Finally, I've been more vigilant about self-care. This takes on a bunch of different forms, including simple things like ALWAYS getting dressed in the morning (I am more prone to depression and anxiety if I hang out in my sloppy PJ's all day), to taking a hula class to help incorporate more movement in my week and to give me another creative outlet. I rest when I need to, because I know when my body is taxed my mind is less resilient. I give myself a break on mom things too--it's ok if he has a hot dog for lunch all week, he ate broccoli scrambled eggs for breakfast and chicken vegetable soup for dinner!
All in all, the important thing about dealing with anxiety in my pregnancy (after miscarriage) has been walking the line of holding tight to the knowledge that everything is currently ok, but that I have no control over whether I'll get to hold a healthy, growing child. As always, my job is to face each moment with this baby with integrity, being the best mom I can in the time I'm given.
Hormonology Week: Irrelevant! I'm pregnant! Woo-hoo!
What I'm reading: The Hero of Ages, Mistborn Series #3 by Brandon Sanderson. (This is possibly my favorite fantasy series! And technically I'm listening to it, not reading it. Michael Kramer does GREAT narration!).
Some of the biggest challenges about pregnancy after miscarriage for me have been dealing with anxiety and uncertainty, and embracing my lack of control. I got good at this in the midst of my miscarriages, living with the knowledge that there was nothing I could do to make the baby grow strong and healthy, all I could do was choose the kind of mother I wanted to be with the time I was given.
But I was totally unprepared to find that my anxiety went shooting UP after the first indication that all was well. I was so happy and relieved, of course, but suddenly every twinge of cramping (very common in the first trimester) could mean that my healthy baby was suddenly taking a turn for the worse. It was more to lose and a different kind of loss. Luckily, this feeling has abated as he's become more active, and he's currently indicating an interest in a future career as a tap dancer, providing me with lots of reassurance.
How did I cope with the anxiety? I had a couple of strategies--first, in my 4th pregnancy, the one that ended in loss in January, I began using moments that worried me as an opportunity to connect with my baby. If I felt a cramp or I saw some bleeding (very common in that pregnancy), I took a deep breath and sent a message of love and care to my baby. I told her that I was here and I loved her and I wanted to be the best mom I could, no matter what she was going through. This really helped turn around the experience of that pregnancy because the signs that something was wrong came early and frequently, despite a little fighter of a baby whose heart beat on 3 ultrasounds.
In this pregnancy (#5), I've found that this strategy works great when there's no real basis for my anxiety. It keeps me calm through crampy twinges or abrupt, intense round ligament pain, and even an afternoon of increased Braxton Hicks contractions (yes, I checked in with my care provider about that!).
But the two times I've had spotting, this strategy couldn't touch my feelings of anxiety. Seeing blood sent me straight into panic and terror and there was no calm internal monologue that could tamp it down. In these cases, being honest about what was happening (in both directions--not understating the significance of my feelings, but also not overstating the significance of my symptoms) helped me stay focused on what was important.
Asking all my questions when I spoke with advice nurses, even if they seemed silly or like an overreaction, really helped too. And this is where my strong connection with my OB really came into play--knowing that she would answer me honestly and compassionately was huge in soothing my out-of-control imagination ("The amount of blood you are seeing does not give me concern about a miscarriage, but yes, a miscarriage at 17 weeks would be a very different experience that your previous ones").
Finally, I've been more vigilant about self-care. This takes on a bunch of different forms, including simple things like ALWAYS getting dressed in the morning (I am more prone to depression and anxiety if I hang out in my sloppy PJ's all day), to taking a hula class to help incorporate more movement in my week and to give me another creative outlet. I rest when I need to, because I know when my body is taxed my mind is less resilient. I give myself a break on mom things too--it's ok if he has a hot dog for lunch all week, he ate broccoli scrambled eggs for breakfast and chicken vegetable soup for dinner!
All in all, the important thing about dealing with anxiety in my pregnancy (after miscarriage) has been walking the line of holding tight to the knowledge that everything is currently ok, but that I have no control over whether I'll get to hold a healthy, growing child. As always, my job is to face each moment with this baby with integrity, being the best mom I can in the time I'm given.
Hormonology Week: Irrelevant! I'm pregnant! Woo-hoo!
What I'm reading: The Hero of Ages, Mistborn Series #3 by Brandon Sanderson. (This is possibly my favorite fantasy series! And technically I'm listening to it, not reading it. Michael Kramer does GREAT narration!).
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