Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

My little guy had his first day of preschool today. We had observed in the classroom twice together, and he was ready to be on his own today. He hardly noticed when I left, despite me making an effort to get his attention and a hug to make sure he understood I was heading out. On the phone with Grandma afterward, he proudly declared, "I went to preschool ALL BY MYSELF!" It appears the day went ok-- I assume no news is good news and his teacher and the aides didn't have anything to say. His pants were dry, and he ate his whole lunch, and other than a circle time incident that seems to involve him laying on the floor to scratch an itch (I'm not sure... he reported it himself), it seems the day came off without a hitch. I'm hoping that when we get back from our two trips in September he'll be ready to stay the whole day, which primarily hinges on being able to keep his underwear dry during nap time (about 50% of the time right now). When I got to the main ranc...

8/16/15 I had the miscarriage tonight.  I took the misotropol because as much as I wanted my body to tell me I was ready, my family was already telling me I was ready.  Tonight I had the opportunity to sequester myself away from the guys, watch movies I wanted, eat a hastily-prepared but tailor-made dinner of grilled cheese, spinach salad, and strawberries with chocolate, and let it come.  I might not have had that chance if I’d waited, and worst of all, I might have tried to squeeze it in among my other responsibilities.  It was never painful enough that I would have had to stop being a mom, a wife, a farmer, and I can think of few things that would have given me less closure than to try and smile through some other activity and not give this my full attention. I caught the tiny embryonic sac (about the size of a dime), the cord tissue, and the placenta.  This time the embryo is too small to see, although with my last miscarriage we could see tiny arm ...

8/14/15 For the briefest moment when I woke up this morning, I forgot.  I didn’t wake up thinking I was pregnant, I just forgot about this loss and what’s coming and all the way my plans have been changed.  Then it came crashing down on me so fast and hard that for a minute it was hard to breathe.  But then it settled, and I settled, and now I will go about my day and try not to let this feel like an unbearable burden.

8/13/15 Today I learned my second miscarriage is imminent.  For now, it’s a waiting game, except that (a) we have the power to stop waiting (a prescription for a drug that will bring it on in 4-8 hours) and (b) I’m trying desperately to not sit around and wait. This experience is bringing to light so many things I took for granted.  My first miscarriage showed me that just because it’s relatively easy for me to GET pregnant, doesn’t mean it’s easy to have a second child.  But even then, I operated off of the confident assumption that a healthy pregnancy was just over the horizon and only a matter of time.  Now, I realize that I have to consider the fact that my family might be done growing.  I might find myself a mother to only one person, a role I cherish and am thankful for all hours of the day, but one I never imagined for myself. We haven’t talked about it, but I assume we will start trying again right away.  I am debating whether I want to...